You have told me a great deal. I am sorry for your pain and I hope you can turn that suffering into something beautiful, for you and I both know how much goodness can come from one’s pain.
I understand your fear of being vulnerable again; of giving someone the power to hurt you again. You should not be afraid of letting someone love you. Yes, there will be pain, for love and pain go hand in hand, and the people that you love the most are the people that will hurt you the most, as well as the people that love you the most are the people you will hurt the most.
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” CS Lewis
You say he is very special, that he is kind and generous, with a forgiving heart and a great desire to love. My friend, if any man deserves a chance to love you, that man seems to be him. Open your heart to him, put down those walls you’ve built around your heart. Love has hurt you once and love will heal you again.
You ask me what happens if he hurts you too. My answer to you is: he will hurt you, no doubt about that. The question you should be asking is: Is he worthy of your suffering?
You tell me you love him but you can’t trust him. Make no mistake my dear. “Love is not love until it's vulnerable” (Theodore Roethke). You may like him very much, but until you dismantle those barriers, you are closing your door to love. What is worse, you are denying someone the love he deserves. You were made to be a gift of yourself to others. I think the only way to get over your past wounds is by becoming a gift to him, instead of focusing on your pain, try to focus on his well-being. Do not spend much time thinking about yourself, for love is self-giving, not self-seeking.
Finally, it seems that God has put that person into your life right now. I will leave you these words of Saint John Paul II for you to meditate on:
“God wants to give another person to you” means that God wants to entrust that other person to you. And to entrust means that God believes in you, trusts that you are capable of receiving the gift, that you are capable of embracing it with your heart, that you have the capacity to respond to it with a gift of yourself.”
Know of my prayers for you.
Your faithful friend,
Your faithful friend,